Human Nature

There was a rare meteor shower this early morning...

I had the urge to stay up and witness this event- there will not be many oppurtunities for us to experience this event in our lifetime. Yet I chose to wrap myself in bed rather than making stupid mythical wishes on those sprinkles. I unintentionally pondered things that may happen to me in the near future as I tried to force myself to doze off; when I finally managed myself to get a good sleeping position to rest myself, disturbing sequences flashed through my sight almost immediatly. It shocked me up from my short sleep. I can barely felt my feet for minutes from it, there were hot sweats trickling down my neck. Every strand of my courage had been robbed off for that instance, I almost tremble. How long can I live a life like this?

Unlike previous years, I would confide to my godsister or confess to the bronze statue of Siddhata. But as I grow up, I swallow my true feelings and pain so often even from them.

It is not the matter of trust- maybe just a matter of pride or the escalating stubbornness inside me. I swallow my pains from now on, I'm getting better in faking smiles and expressions when I'm in pain. And I think I've done a great job in faking expressions. And I try to remind myself constantly to not to accidentally step into holes leading to hypocracies every time I faked myself; it is like multi-tasking.

I know this is unhealthy and is nothing to be proud of, but I feel better at times- yet sometimes I just want to tell everyone what I've been through. Still, it is pointless, I used to feel worse when I told my friends what I've been through- funny huh?

Anyway, this dream concerns about my father and I. It brings back ugly memories and added to uglier image I had for him. I woke up feeling damn emo.

Thanks to a friend, he cheered my morning with some more ' "Yo Mama..." Jokes':
' Ur mother is so fat that when she fell in love she broke it. '
' Ur momma is so fat that when she went to the beach, the Greenpeace roll her back to the sea. ' etc...
Thanks, my draggy bitchy friend plus the entertainment from you guys today...

Anyway, we just finished our examination today. I don't really give a damn this time, I should not be surprised if I get two F's..

In the end of this day, I think I regretted not making stupid wishes on those meteor rain...

Human nature...